Have you accepted this godsend show delivered straight from the underworld?
Premise: Six crazy ass Americans (crazy in love, that is) travel overseas to meet the loves of their lives. Will they get engaged? Will they break up? Will their pheromones mesh well? The Americans come back and tell shares their love stories – let’s take a look at these star-crossed, germ phobic lovers, shall we? Will they have the secks? Will they be catfished?
Shawn Robinson takes us through and “unbelievable” two-hour event. (All this shit is predictable.)
Luhvuhs: Abby and Chris (I’m sorry, I mean Sean)
47-year-old Ohioan Sean met 20 year old Abby on Caribbean Cupid (I had to step away and vomit after learning this existed). She’s from Haiti and sells clothes, he’s a desperate weasel who renovates homes. Sean fell madly in luh with Abby and wants to marry his “Caribbean goddess”. But every couple faces obstacles, so what’s theirs? Abby’s 64-year-old “ex”, Chris. Sean has doubts about the relationship between Chris and Abby and wants to lay down the law to Chris face to face. At the AARP Haitian Rumble, the two fans of Coldwater Creek trousers try to assert their dominance in Abby’s life. Abby is not happy about the idea of cutting ties with Chris. Sean and Abby end up engaged anyway.
At the tell all, it’s revealed Abby is staying with Chris in the Dominican Republic, but Sean understands why she’s doing it.
More Luhvuhs: Patrick and Myriam (Bagtricks and the Baguette)
25-year old Kentucky musician falls in love with a gorgeous French girl, Myriam. They flirt and video chat all the time and Patrick travels to France because he is ready to settle down. Bagtricks flies to The Land of Croissants and Existentialism to meet her. He thinks the only issue is that she is Muslim and he is not. But it’s not y’all! Baguette has a boyfriend who she reveals isn’t always there for her. Bagtricks tries to backflip his way out of the “friend zone” and convince Baguette that he is truly the one because they have so much in common. (500 Days of Summer hew?)
Bagtricks’ Momma decides to rip Baguette a new one but Baguette holds her ground like a snail that’s about to be escargot. Is love dead? Not sure, but Bagtricks is going to charm you into believing it’s not.
WhatsApp Luvs: Pyro and the Princess (Paul and Karine)
Where the hell do I begin with this shit? I can say that for any of these couples though. I’ve given away the secret but looking at this guy, not surprising he’s a convicted felon. Paul met the 21-year-old Brazilian Karine. He cannot speak Portugese and doesn’t really try, meanwhile she’s trying to learn English and picking it up pretty fast. Pyro brought five gawddamn military footlockers of wearable mesh and Cookie Crisp. Paul insists that Karine must get tested before they get intimate but he doesn’t get tested until later. Paul reveals his fiery past and the flames begin to dim for Princess Karine. Pyro is upset and runs off, but the sparks don’t stop flying. While cowardly running off, Princess Karine is mugged and her cell phone is taken while Pryo tries to drown in contaminated water. There’s a lot of sensory overload for this show, especially this “couple”, I got tired of recapping this couple. But watch this mess!
Next Pairing: Juan-Pablo Jr. and Corny (Antonio and Cortney)
In what seems like the best episode of Catfish that could ever happen, Floridian Cortney had been texting (just texting, just texting, JUST TEXTING) 31-year-old Spanish model, Antonio. Is he real? Is Ned going to sue for copyright infringement a la Miss Swift? Antonio seems like one of those too good to be true. But he exists and I damn near had a heart attack when hearing him speak. From the jump, they don’t get along and Corny is pissed. Juan-Pablo Jr will never be a one-woman man but viewers are not sure Corny knows that. Also, he lives in a shoebox, is a classic TV douche and his A/C unit won’t stop peeing, but Corny luh him.
More Luvuhs, Love: Forrest Gump and Jenny (Larry and Jenny)
Mickey D’s manager Larry cashes in his 401K to take a trip to the Philippines to court the woman he’s only been speaking to for two weeks on Filipino Cupid, love. Larry’s cousin and his wife are not really feeling Jenny, but sweet-natured Larry still embarks on his journey. Jenny is ready for him to meet the family and the welcome him by cooking lechon, roasted pig. Forrest, the fast food manager wasn’t keen on the idea of pulled pork and barely takes a bite. This rightfully infuriates Jenny who is embarrassed. However, I’m glad she was embarrassed because she uttered the line I want on my tombstone, the best line ever uttered in television:
I don’t cry for men. Men cry for me.
They are engaged and Jenny believes she’ll have a much better life in the States. I hope they stay on television because Jenny is going to be a life coach.
Hold on to your barf bags, there’s more!
Last and Definitely Least: Nick Carter and Fashion Nova Darling (Jesse and Darcey)
42-year old Darcey is from Connecticut, she owns boutique called House of 11. She’s convinced she found the love of her life, 24-year-old controlling muscle bound douche Jesse. There’s a lot of babe, baby and more baaaabbby. Darcey is in for a culture shock as she is taken aback by Dutch Bluntness ™ regarding concerns about her age. However, Nick Carter is quite controlling and says she can never drink if they are to be together after she got tipsy one night. She’s pushing for a proposal but he’s clearly not feeling it, but at the end he gets down on one knee and gives her an appreciation ring. So no, they are NOT engaged and should never be.
This was a doozy to write, oooh wheeee! I’m just trying to carve out my niche of posting about trash makeup and trash shows.
Sources: 123456 and my procrastination
Premise: Six crazy ass Americans (crazy in love, that is) travel overseas to meet the loves of their lives. Will they get engaged? Will they break up? Will their pheromones mesh well? The Americans come back and tell shares their love stories – let’s take a look at these star-crossed, germ phobic lovers, shall we? Will they have the secks? Will they be catfished?
Shawn Robinson takes us through and “unbelievable” two-hour event. (All this shit is predictable.)
Luhvuhs: Abby and Chris (I’m sorry, I mean Sean)
47-year-old Ohioan Sean met 20 year old Abby on Caribbean Cupid (I had to step away and vomit after learning this existed). She’s from Haiti and sells clothes, he’s a desperate weasel who renovates homes. Sean fell madly in luh with Abby and wants to marry his “Caribbean goddess”. But every couple faces obstacles, so what’s theirs? Abby’s 64-year-old “ex”, Chris. Sean has doubts about the relationship between Chris and Abby and wants to lay down the law to Chris face to face. At the AARP Haitian Rumble, the two fans of Coldwater Creek trousers try to assert their dominance in Abby’s life. Abby is not happy about the idea of cutting ties with Chris. Sean and Abby end up engaged anyway.
At the tell all, it’s revealed Abby is staying with Chris in the Dominican Republic, but Sean understands why she’s doing it.
More Luhvuhs: Patrick and Myriam (Bagtricks and the Baguette)
25-year old Kentucky musician falls in love with a gorgeous French girl, Myriam. They flirt and video chat all the time and Patrick travels to France because he is ready to settle down. Bagtricks flies to The Land of Croissants and Existentialism to meet her. He thinks the only issue is that she is Muslim and he is not. But it’s not y’all! Baguette has a boyfriend who she reveals isn’t always there for her. Bagtricks tries to backflip his way out of the “friend zone” and convince Baguette that he is truly the one because they have so much in common. (500 Days of Summer hew?)
Bagtricks’ Momma decides to rip Baguette a new one but Baguette holds her ground like a snail that’s about to be escargot. Is love dead? Not sure, but Bagtricks is going to charm you into believing it’s not.
WhatsApp Luvs: Pyro and the Princess (Paul and Karine)
Where the hell do I begin with this shit? I can say that for any of these couples though. I’ve given away the secret but looking at this guy, not surprising he’s a convicted felon. Paul met the 21-year-old Brazilian Karine. He cannot speak Portugese and doesn’t really try, meanwhile she’s trying to learn English and picking it up pretty fast. Pyro brought five gawddamn military footlockers of wearable mesh and Cookie Crisp. Paul insists that Karine must get tested before they get intimate but he doesn’t get tested until later. Paul reveals his fiery past and the flames begin to dim for Princess Karine. Pyro is upset and runs off, but the sparks don’t stop flying. While cowardly running off, Princess Karine is mugged and her cell phone is taken while Pryo tries to drown in contaminated water. There’s a lot of sensory overload for this show, especially this “couple”, I got tired of recapping this couple. But watch this mess!
Next Pairing: Juan-Pablo Jr. and Corny (Antonio and Cortney)
In what seems like the best episode of Catfish that could ever happen, Floridian Cortney had been texting (just texting, just texting, JUST TEXTING) 31-year-old Spanish model, Antonio. Is he real? Is Ned going to sue for copyright infringement a la Miss Swift? Antonio seems like one of those too good to be true. But he exists and I damn near had a heart attack when hearing him speak. From the jump, they don’t get along and Corny is pissed. Juan-Pablo Jr will never be a one-woman man but viewers are not sure Corny knows that. Also, he lives in a shoebox, is a classic TV douche and his A/C unit won’t stop peeing, but Corny luh him.
More Luvuhs, Love: Forrest Gump and Jenny (Larry and Jenny)
Mickey D’s manager Larry cashes in his 401K to take a trip to the Philippines to court the woman he’s only been speaking to for two weeks on Filipino Cupid, love. Larry’s cousin and his wife are not really feeling Jenny, but sweet-natured Larry still embarks on his journey. Jenny is ready for him to meet the family and the welcome him by cooking lechon, roasted pig. Forrest, the fast food manager wasn’t keen on the idea of pulled pork and barely takes a bite. This rightfully infuriates Jenny who is embarrassed. However, I’m glad she was embarrassed because she uttered the line I want on my tombstone, the best line ever uttered in television:
I don’t cry for men. Men cry for me.
They are engaged and Jenny believes she’ll have a much better life in the States. I hope they stay on television because Jenny is going to be a life coach.
Hold on to your barf bags, there’s more!
Last and Definitely Least: Nick Carter and Fashion Nova Darling (Jesse and Darcey)
42-year old Darcey is from Connecticut, she owns boutique called House of 11. She’s convinced she found the love of her life, 24-year-old controlling muscle bound douche Jesse. There’s a lot of babe, baby and more baaaabbby. Darcey is in for a culture shock as she is taken aback by Dutch Bluntness ™ regarding concerns about her age. However, Nick Carter is quite controlling and says she can never drink if they are to be together after she got tipsy one night. She’s pushing for a proposal but he’s clearly not feeling it, but at the end he gets down on one knee and gives her an appreciation ring. So no, they are NOT engaged and should never be.
This was a doozy to write, oooh wheeee! I’m just trying to carve out my niche of posting about trash makeup and trash shows.
Sources: 123456 and my procrastination
