Every year, 20 of the world's best new movies compete at the film festival. But there is also the marché, where other cinematic hopefuls are bought and sold.
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Okay ONTD, what are some of the worst movies you've ever seen / heard of?
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Copposites
From the director of I Now Pronounce You Black And White – apparently one of South Africa’s highest-grossing “local” comedies – comes another farce of dubious racial profiling and belated cinematic bandwagon-jumping. A washed-up white cop and a black crook trying to go straight are accidentally body-swapped in a lab. Redemptive hilarity follows.
Sharknado
“Enough said!” runs the tagline, the producers presumably having exhausted themselves with that title. To be fair, Sharknado really is that simple: the citizens of LA, among them Tara Reid, are blighted by a tornado of sharks. It’s the latest classic from Asylum, an outfit specialising in cut-price creature features. Also out this year: Shark Week, in which a wealthy madman terrorises a group of strangers. With sharks. Enough said.
Santa Claws
In 1996, a horror movie called Santa Claws was made. Now it’s time for the kiddie version, in which Santa’s policy against delivering cats as presents – on account of his allergies, rather than any concern for animal welfare – is tested by “little Tommy”, who gets the rules bent because he’s been so good. “But instead of one little kitten, the whole litter climbs into the sack. When Santa has a major allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the presents.” Nothing says family fun more than a major allergic reaction.
FDR American Badass
Equipped by Einstein and the CIA with a bespoke Wheelchair Of Death, America’s wartime president battles polio-carrying Nazi werewolves in this imaginative new biopic. But there’s time for romance, too: an image on the back of the flyer shows a blonde lady joking around with a couple of melons. Also on the flyer, an early review from Paperblog.com: “Boom! This version of FDR blows that shitty Hyde Park On Hudson movie out of the fucking water.” Clearly, Roger Ebert’s legacy lives on.
Voyage
Mind that rusty nail! The fifth film from Hong Kong director Scud is apparently not some dubious nude slasher affair, but the story of a depressed young psychiatrist who voyages around south-east Asia, visiting former clients to gain some kind of closure. Why he must do so butt-naked, clutching a hunting knife, is unclear. Scud himself describes the opening mass harakiri scene as “very funny”.
The Blue Apple Tree
The genre here is unclear: heartwarming family soap? Abuse drama? Radiation exposé? And what's with all the hats in the strip of pics at the bottom?
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Okay ONTD, what are some of the worst movies you've ever seen / heard of?
