Back in 2009, we started keeping tabs on the terrible, horrible things that started trundling out on the internet shortly after the peak of Twilight fandom. And as the years passed, the Twilight merchandise only got weirder. Cold sparkle dildos, Edward-shaped body pillows, and now bloody Bella tampon tea. Yep we've seen it all. This weekend the Twilight franchise comes to a conclusion with Breaking Dawn: Part 2, and it's with heavy hearts that we offer up our final installment of The Most Disturbing Twilight Products. Here's our final wrap up of the very best actual things you can buy to celebrate what Edward's penis may (or may not) feel like.
Here it is, years and years of the best of the worst Twilight products, plus some all-new horrors too. Ready your Vampire Sparkle Lube!
Actual Breaking Dawn Pillow Case with Sex Tears
This is the real life Bella and Edward Honeymoon Pillow, stained with makeup and with REAL SEX TEARS. Oh and it's all shredded from Edward's intense passion. He just clawed right through it, because of sex. The real life pillow was on sale at Ebay, here's how the described it.
This is the pillow used on the bed during the sex scene between Edward and Bella in Breaking Dawn Part 1. Tears and rips are visible on the pillow case. Pillow measures 36″ in length and 20″ in width. The pillowcase is a cream white and shows discoloration to show its use. Make up stains from the main actors can be seen on the pillow. Was obtained directly from the filming and production crew from Breaking Dawn Part 1. This pillow includes a Certificate of Authenticity from Hollywood PARTS.
FEATURES:
Item: Edward and Bella's Hero Pillow from Breaking Dawn Sex Scene
Film: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Can be seen on screen during the film
Material: Feathered Goose Down
Color: Off White/Cream
Visible Make-Up Stains
Claw Marks and Tears on Pillowcase
Only known one in existence
Dimensions: 36″ x 20″
Includes Certificate of Authenticity from Hollywood PARTS
Own a Piece of Cinema History!
They were asking for 2,999.99 smackerooos. Which, answers my question about the going price for one sex tear from a Hollywood starlet. REAL SEX TEARS YOU GUYS.
Twilight Tampon Drink
We think the title of this art project really says it all, "Why Edward Really Stayed with Bella Twilight Vampire Teabag Cup ADULT Mature Blood Tampon." Because he drank her period blood. Merry Christmas everybody!
Edward Reminds You To "Be Safe" In Bed
Get a shadowy Edward Silhouette wall decal to stand guard over your bed and remind you all that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and it kills you — or ride dirt bikes. It's $60, but think of it this way: it's an investment in your sex life. Contraceptives are expensive, but this wall decal will keep everyone out of your bedroom for years.
Bella's Womb
Well, it was bound to happen, someone was bound to make a felt version of Bella Swan's womb... wait WHAT. HER WOMB? SOMEONE FELTED HER WOMB? WITH THE MUTATED BLOOD-CRAVING ADULT BABY RENESMEE INSIDE? TELL US WHY. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS??
Jasper Dean
This is Jasper Dean the offspring of Jasper and Alice. He is $115.00 bucks. At night he comes to life and stand over your throat, holding a knife.
Twi Shower
Nothing says "early morning heart attack" quite like a greeting from a giant, brooding, floating vampire head in your bathroom. It's the Twilight shower curtain, and it's only $60.
Cullen Crest bra
The jury's still out on whether or not this one is real, but if so, you had better be a well endowed girl who doesn't mind showing off that space where cleavage usually goes. If you're good with that, then show off this crest of a family you'll never belong to! Because they're fake! And not real! HEAR ME? IT'S A MOVIE, PEOPLE.
The Vamp: The Sparkly Dildo
If nothing else on this slightly disturbing list can help you get as close to Edward as you'd like, please consider Tantus's sparkly The Vamp dildo in its cool pink color. Back when we showed you it was available, don't forget to throw it in the fridge before using it though, so you're sure to get that cold, lifeless feeling a real vamp's sparkly cock would be sure to have.
Official Description:"Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience. The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow."
Glitter Lube
Once sold at Hot Topic, this lovely sparkly lube is actually Robert Pattinson's favorite terrible thing to come out of his Twilight movies.
Twilight Panty Party
Ever since the release of the horrifying Edward crotch-mouth Twilight Panties, the underwear market has been hot, hot, hot for some cold, cold vampire lovin. Behold the best of the Twilight Panty Party — our favorite is the Cullen baseball team briefs, because it's obscure enough that you might not get shamed in the locker room for putting a Cullen on your cooter.
UPDATE: "Team Edward" panties are for girls. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Edward Body Pillows
Yep, there are more than one. Choose from the Edward body pillow that you can straddle, or the one with manilla pillow arms. Never sleep alone again.
Edward Tampon Case
Crack open Edward's felt head and shove your lady goods down his neck — it's a Twilight tampon case! Hey at least it's not as bad as the reusable menstrual pad where the wearer physically bleeds all over some random vampires abs.
Twilight Embryo Ornaments
Because, fuck your God!
Jacob Black's Ashes
Carry around the cremated remains of your favorite shirtless werewolf. From the seller AnimaeGirl's Etsy Account:
Here's something every Twihard or even those friends of Twihards need, a little bit of Jake in a bottle. His ashes plush fur fills this little glass bottle and the bottle has been adorned with a sealed label along with a spirit wolf charm. This pendant is hung on waxed linen with two bone beads and the catch is a lobster claw design.
The best part, they're only $8.00. Poor Jacob. They also sell Edward and Bella's ashes, which have sparkles in them, obviously.
Twinklight
No problem with the porn part, we just think the title is completely inspired. And apparently so did everyone else because now it's a porn web series (trailer above, don't worry it's PG rated). Well done Twinks of Forks.
To watch it visit Twinklight The Movie's website
Vampire Fleshlight
Possibly inspired by the Twilight craze a few years back, we're bummed we didn't get this sex toy in our first post. But, then again any good Twihard knows that these vampires do not have fangs. Still the timing of the sex toy was uncanny (HA!).
Other random merchandise:
Based on the upcoming movie Twilight: Breaking Dawn. The Quileute and the Volturi close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses different threats to the wolf pack and vampire coven. This is the Prop replica Bella's Engagement Ring and Wedding Band set, as see in the Twilight Breaking Dawn Movie.
Twilight Breaking Dawn Necklace Prop Replica - Volturis Gift Necklace
Cullen-branded toilet lid
Twilight Vinyl Family Member Car Stickers
Hot Topic version of Bella's Birthday Dress
Twilight Eclipse Party Supplies
Description: Quench your thirst for spell binding romance in the toasty Twilight Jacket by BB Dakota by Jack! You’ve followed Bella through it all, now wear her exact same jacket from the movie Twilight! This sturdy dark blue jacket features pleated button tab pockets and roomy distressed pockets with decorative zippers. Jacket sports a comfy drawstring hoody and ribbed cuffs. A brass zipper secures the center and fleece lining keeps you warm even in your darkest hour!
Full Article at io9
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