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The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games


While you're sitting on your couch whining about how so many games suck, there's an entire community of people out there known as "modders" who actually take those games and alter them to make them better. Some of them are so talented that they should be working for actual game companies ... while others are just utterly insane, and the mods they create are so crazy that they'll make your brain give up and come flying out of your ass.

Guess which ones we're going to talk about now.

#7. The Legend of Zelda: Nicolas Cage Edition

Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is the most bizarre game in the Zelda series; it has those creepy masks that turn you into monsters, that world-killing moon with the haunting teethy grin, and Tingle. Motherfucking Tingle. How could anyone possibly make this game any weirder? Two words: Nicolas Cage.

No! Holy Christ, no!

What you're looking at, in case your brain refuses to comprehend it, is Nicolas Cage's face plastered over Majora's Mask, and we mean both the game and the character. Someone took a not-insignificant amount of time to take every single character in this game (and several inanimate objects) and change their face into Cage's, for no earthly reason. Literally every single character in this game, from the annoying little fairies in the forest ...


... to the sexy big one in the fountain.

Remember the little girl who lives in the ranch? She's now Nic Cage.

From the little seen Face/Off sequel, co-starring Dakota Fanning.

And your horse? Nicolas Kim Coppola, known professionally as Cage.

Wow, they didn't even have to change his features to put them on the horse.

Wait, this one was actually in the game already, never mind.

Which was also the exact reason Cage gave for doing Ghost Rider.

Hmm, now we kinda want a crossover between this and the all-Jackie Chan arcade game.

#5. Minecraft Sex

Minecraft, as we've established, is a game where you can make basically anything. That kind of thing appeals to two sorts of people -- creative types who want to make awesome new things like the world has never seen and people with the maturity of 10-year-olds who want to make extremely elaborate representations of bodily functions. You can guess which of the two we're going to talk about.

First up, we've got the Minecraft poop mod. It lets you poop, just like in real life, but you can do it in Minecraft instead! This is obviously an experience that was sorely missing from such an open-ended game.

And apparently also from this mod.

It's a little weird, because basically you just stand over a toilet, then use toilet paper on the toilet water, which gives you shitty toilet paper, and you then can craft it into nigh-indestructible, fecal-hardened weapons, armor, and building material, which is not where we would have guessed this was going at all. We can draw two conclusions here: One, this person has never used a toilet, and two, they have an extremely poor diet if they think you can craft shit into anything other than a larger, grosser shit.

Then, there's the Minecraft sex mod. It's just as erotic and mature as it sounds, which is not at all. There's nothing quite like watching two block people, desperately hunched over and humping like rabbits to really make you question if we're really putting modern technology to its best use.

And if you thought the poop mod showed a horrible misunderstanding of how basic anatomy and biology work, then you ain't seen nothing yet. The Minecraft sex mod requires you to build a giant, gold "SEX" card using basic items, which you then use to spawn a nude woman who immediately wants to jump on your square, rigid boner. She literally does nothing else.

Do ... we even censor that?

Then you begin the horrifying mating ritual (the only proper way to describe it) where your character kind of ... jives with her? It's not really thrusting so much as your knees repeatedly buckling, like you're having strange fainting spells over and over.

Maybe just seeing a naked lady has given poor old Minecraft Steve the vapors.

#3. Give Birth to a Baby in Second Life

Second Life is a game for people who think the Internet isn't insane enough and prefer to carry on their online interactions through Tom Hanks' dead-eyed character in The Polar Express. Unlike every other game in this list, Second Life actually encourages modding, so, of course, one of the first things the users figured out how to do was making their characters have sex with each other -- that's not surprising. What is surprising is that they followed this thought through to the point where you get pregnant and suffer through a graphic and unsettling childbirth process:

Obviously, C-section is the only type of childbirth worth simulating.

Yep, there's a mod for this game that allows your avatar to give birth to a baby, because let's face it, if you're heavily in Second Life the chances of that ever happening in real life are kind of slim. You can even get a trained medical professional (read: some bored lady in front of a computer, surrounded by cats) to assist and guide you through the delivery of your fake offspring.

It's always reassuring when your doctor has had 14 butt implants.

Not scared yet? Watch this video where the player controlling the "doctor" spends the whole time talking to the character giving birth, helping it breathe and keeping track of its contractions. Damn it, lady, this isn't what John Atari created video games for.

"You're gonna have to drive yourself to school today, Timmy. I'm pretending to deliver a baby on the Internet."

The action then moves to a hot tub, because this isn't just a batshit insane digital birth -- it's a batshit insane digital water birth. Meanwhile, the mother-to-be starts letting out screams and moans that were probably intended for a more erotic context, while her husband just stares at her in silence.

Later in life, Bane reversed his color palette and impregnated a mannequin.

And then, after painful minutes of labor, a small child instantly materializes on the mother's crotch, because that's how childbirth works.

"I'm bored already. Let's go have sex with a unicorn or something."

And now you have a video game baby. Congratulations. So, what are you supposed to do with the thing now? Well, here's an idea ...

#1. Add Some Randy Savage and Horse Vaginas to Skyrim

If you played Skyrim for any length of time, you might think it has just about anything a gamer could want. Crafting, fighting dragons, insane Swedish guys punching everything. But some fans decided that wasn't cutting it, because it just didn't have enough gorilla shit crazy slathered on top of it.

Observe, for example, this mod, which takes all the dragons in the game (there are a bunch) and replaces them with a weird, elongated model of Macho Man Randy Savage, complete with sound effects. We argue that this actually improves the game, because there is a definite shortage of dragons in pop culture that shout "YEAH!" before they breathe fire on everything.

"Slim Jim" in this case means an actual skinny guy named Jim.

It's definitely weird, but it's also silly. You can imagine it was made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Meanwhile, this mod that adds realistic vaginas and anuses to all the game's horses:

Yep, you just found our line. And that line is horse vagina.

Yeah, those are intricately modeled horse muffs, and there's pretty much only one reason that someone made those -- because they wanted to see them there. Most gamers are perfectly content not to see a horse's business in a video game. Those people are not the target audience for Gary's Real Mare Horse Mod.

Furthermore, looking just under the surface reveals not one, but two further horrors: First, Gary probably had to spend a lot of time looking at images of horse vaginas to create this mod. (Or, God forbid, he created them from memory.)

Nope. Uh-uh.

Second, there are not one, but two acknowledgements for "motivation" in the credits section. He had two separate people telling him that he couldn't quit. He probably said something at one point like, "I don't think I can finish this horse snatch mod, you guys." And they replied, "No, Gary. You have to finish it. For all of us."

even numbered parts of the list at the source

superdogbiter dedicates the nic cage part to comalies :D

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