Look, we understand that the pressure to watch "Sharknado 2: The Second One" tonight is pretty intense. But just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you have to spend two of your hours on this earth watching a deliberately bad movie. Especially when there are plenty of other options!
If you feel the need to stare at hot, half naked people fighting: "Rocky III" on AMC
Let's be honest: you're not watching "Sharknado 2: The Second One" to engage intellectually with art holding great cultural merit. You're doing it for a good dose of fun, and maybe for a little bit of the eye candy to boot. There will be -- if we're lucky -- the occasional visceral rush when a shark falls from the sky into the bed of a half-naked couple whilst canoodling. That brief bit of laughable humor may lead to some funny tweets, but it's not worth the two hours of your life you have to give up in order to understand them.
So save yourself the trouble of watching "Sharknado 2" and instead engage with a film providing the same visceral value, as well as a story everyone with American blood running through their veins is already familiar with: "Rocky III." It's not the first "Rocky," which is simply too great a film to provide any kind of unintentional levity, or the fifth "Rocky," which is cringe-level bad. This is "Rocky III." You get to see Sly's horrified face upon seeing his statue unveiled on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. You get to watch Mr. T act tough while wearing FEATHER EARRINGS. You even get to see Hulk Hogan throw Rocky like a rag doll into a group of incredibly lucky extras. Then there's the training montage, running through water, and the "You ain't so bad!" taunting that will forever be used when besting an opponent you once feared (for me, it's usually during a game of checkers with my niece).
But aside from all that, you also get to see two men at the peak of their form dance around the ring a few times with flexing their muscles and glistening in fake sweat (though an argument could be made for Sly's physical peak being reached with his 'roided up bod in "Rocky IV"). Trust me. You'll feel a lot better than you will after seeing Tara Reid sweat through her layers of makeup.
If you want some believable science fiction: "Extant" on CBS
So perhaps your imagination craves a little additional stimulation -- that doesn't mean you have to settle for "Sharknado." Instead, there's CBS's "Extant," which isn't the most showy of sci-fi programming, but is evolving into an interesting tale of the near-future, full of advanced technology and intrigue. "Extant" is an odd series, especially for a CBS show (there's a distinct lack of mysteries being solved), but Halle Berry's space pregnancy and robot son remain a lot more believable than literal sharks falling from the literal sky to squash New Yorkers.
If you're going to be depressed by American television: "The Leftovers"
We've been pushing HBO's dark drama on everyone for weeks now (with some positive results), but I don't know if I ever took the time to say "it's not for everyone." Consider this that moment.
If the mere existence of "Sharknado 2: The Second One" as a real film with an IMDB page and everything is enough to make you start weeping, then save those tears for something cinematically rewarding instead. You will cry during "The Leftovers," or at least feel your stomach deaden as the ever-darkening issues facing the citizens of Mapleton continue to stack up. But afterward you will at least be able to note the merit behind your remorse.
"The camerawork was excellent in those first two episodes," you might say to your friend, who is also searching for positive elements of life to cling onto minutes after the credits roll. Or perhaps you'll go with, "Wow. I can't believe Justin Theroux had such a powerful, textured performance of controlled insanity and rage inside him this whole time," in an effort to remind yourself it's just TV, not real life. No matter what you say to bring yourself out of the funk, you'll feel clean when it's all over. With "Sharknado 2," you'll be running to the shower.
If you're craving chainsaw action: "American Psycho"
There's an art to wielding a chainsaw in the air, screaming something and getting a little messy. Sadly, you're just not going to get that watching "Sharknado 2: The Second One." It wildly misses out on the finesse of it all, reducing the once-great act to utter madness. It's a depressing sight, one that makes you recall the golden days of "American Psycho," where things were a little different. Mary Harron definitely understood how to craft a scene featuring a chainsaw-wielding maniac: The chase, the Bateman, the nudity, the build up, the tension and the howl. It was truly perfection.
If you must see Tara Reid in SOMETHING: "Josie and the Pussycats"
No one will ever say that Tara Reid is a great actress. But hell, every once in a while there's a perfect marriage between material and actor, and "Josie and the Pussycats" (the movie) encapsulates that. The "Sharknado" veteran doesn't make her case for Royal Shakespeare Company membership in "Josie," but she is adorable, and likable, and clearly in on the film's insider-joke-y-ness. For Reid actually has a pretty tough role to play in the film, as she mocks crass 1999 MTV ideals even while (at that point in time) in a relationship with MTV figurehead Carson Daly. The film itself is great, a perfect post-modern parody of teen consumer culture. The backstory on the key Reid-Daly fight sequence? Even greater.
Rest at source.
