I’m sure that you've already re-watched this beloved holiday classic multiple times this December. Hosted by early-oughts icon, Jessica Simpson, and failed Ohio weed kingpin, Nick Lachey, this dada romp is surely the crowning jewel of many illegally recorded VHS collections.
The festivities begin with a lighthearted sketch in which Nick & Jessica pretend to be middle class saddos, before Christmas magic transports them back to their lavish reality. There is a joke about how Jessica thinks eggnog is whole eggs smashed in a bowl. Remember when she thought chicken was a fish or whatever? More like Jessica Simpleton.
Jessica spends the majority of Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special changing into increasingly elaborate costumes. Nick also demonstrates his fashion prowess, with looks ranging from “dad in an Old Navy ad” to “dad in an LL Bean ad.”
One of the many harsh lessons I have learned this year is how thoroughly our dear president had saturated pop culture even before his bid for office. Nothing compares to the sensation of having a beloved show or movie interrupted by some unexpected reminder of this blessed presidency.
In a searing parody of Trump's erstwhile reality television gig, Nick dons the iconic wig in order to judge a panel of elves.
Jessica sings “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” in a sultry manner that would suggest she is uncomprehending of the fact that she is singing from the perspective of a small child. Apparently this was her go-to holiday move.
Another skit, an ad for Nick’s Lickable Underarm Deodorant, is best summed up by what my friend said after I forced her to watch it: which SNL writer got fired and wrote this?
Later inNick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special, Jessica’s attempt to promote her actual, real Christmas album is cut short by a song from Nick’s fake Boxing Day album. I'm not sure what the point of this is, except to suggest that Nick’s floundering career was being kept aloft solely by the business savvy of his wife. A sly attempt by Jessica to undermine her reputation as the dummy in the relationship?
Nick’s band, 98°, comes to the door begging for a Christmas reunion. Jessica makes a flimsy excuse to leave so as not to be subjected to it. If only we viewers were so lucky!
While the boys sing a song that I did not listen to, Jessica hops around her yard catching snowflakes. She accidentally gets her tongue stuck to a pole, because stupidity as a personal brand was fashionable in 2004. When Nick comes to laugh at her predicament, she spitefully attaches his tongue to the pole as well. Some randos standing in their yard (are these supposed to be fans? paps? the audience? IDFK) demand that Nick and Jessica sing for their amusement, and for some reason they actually attempt to do so. It is off-putting and their fake tongues look nast.
My favorite part of Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special would have to be the announcer's descent into frantic hyperbole. His promises become increasingly outlandish with each ad break, desperate to keep viewers from drifting away like so many snowflakes past Jessica’s waiting tongue. His lies perhaps peak with his insistence that Jessica’s duet with Brian McKnight is, “one of the greatest of all time.”
Jessica and Nick also do a duet with some stock footage of Bing Crosby.
Jessica and Ashlee perform a song ("live together for the FIRST TIME!!" the announcer repeatedly reminds us) after some deeply awkward banter about how their mom was crushed by a Christmas tree or something. This leads us to the most confounding aspect of Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special - the involvement of their actual, non-famous family. Random relatives crop up interstitially throughout, recounting heartwarming tales of Christmas mischief.
This cousin regales us with the story of an epic wrapping paper battle.
Grandma & Grandpa Simpson can’t quite hide her bemusement over the whole affair.
Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special ends when thirty-five of Nick & Jessica’s closest relatives are reunited onstage for some carols, hugs and chitchat. They crush Nick under a pile of outerwear. It's so funny.
I realize that through the rosy veil of nostalgia,Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Specialprobably seems like a masterpiece. But let’s take a look at how it was recieved by the public at the time:
If you would like to watch Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson's Family Christmas Special, and I would highly suggest that you do, it is available in its entirety on YouTube.
